Advice and Tips for Actors Helpful thoughts on acting from someone who wasn't the least successful actor of all time.

April 6, 2006

Huge in Japan Eitan is.

Filed under: TV — Biographer @ 10:18 pm

Fun with Google!  Someone searched for “Ironstar Memoirs” and came upon this page.  Eitan wondered, “Why would someone be doing that?”  So away he sent his assistant’s assistant to log into Google and google the same information.  Turns out,  plans for the show have changed.  Originally it was going to air on Japanese TV, far away from American eyes.  But, someone over at one of the production companies came up with a great idea.  Now the shows will debut on Sony PSPs in the Universal Media Disk format (which ironically is proprietary to PSPs).  This means all those annoying people plugged into their little game systems could be listening to Eitan.  They’ll be easy to spot due to their glazed over look and oft repeated mantra, “Man this narrator is full of himself.  But I love it!”

Christmas is nowhere near around the corner, but it’s never too early to shop for an Eitan narrated biography of Ray Charles or Willie Nelson.  The rest of the episodes probably suck by comparison.

March 28, 2006

Through the Front Door, Vegas Update

Filed under: commercial,film — Biographer @ 10:16 pm

No, the Vegas commercial isn’t airing yet.  Stop asking.  Seriously, you’re starting to sound needy.  But good news to curb your Eitan fixation.  For over year Eitan has been trying to shoot a short film he wrote.  Who else but Eitan could write a short film where he’s on screen alone for 90% of the time?  Honestly, who’s got that big of an ego that they’d assume people want to see that?  Even Tom Hanks had a volleyball to share screen time in Castaway. 

But it’s done.  People are calling it “Funny,” “Great,” “Cute” and “The most important short film in the history of cinema.”  That last quote was from Eitan’s mom and it sounded pretty sarcastic.  The film is now available on YouTube.  Go see Eitan in 3 dimensions!  That’s the X axis, Y axis and Time.  Three dimensions.  Stop acting like you know better.

The film might be entered into a few film festivals if Eitan’s ego needs a summer boost (or if it’s ego sweeps week).  Keep an eye out for any news.

January 11, 2006

What Happens in Vegas Commercial, Eitan is Famous

Filed under: bookings,commercial — Biographer @ 10:15 pm

“What happens in Eitan stays in Eitan.”  Catchy?  No it’s not.  It works much better for Las Vegas.  Eitan is not known for his debauchery, crazy parties and all night drink-fests (yet).  That being said, Eitan has just shot one of those nifty commercials.  Yes, Eitan actually was flown out to Vegas (on the glory of Southwest Airlines) for two nights at the exotic Hilton (no, not the one with the casino and the Star Trek experience although Eitan certainly is nerdy enough to get excited about something like that).

Eitan will be seen at a psychic getting a reading against his will.  He will use whatever mental powers he can muster to block her out of his head so that she may not see the fun he will have in Vegas and tell his girlfriend.  The tag line, “What happens here, stays here.”  But anyone who’s ever watched TV in the past few years already knew that. 

When will this commercial air?  When will Eitan be known as “That guy from the thing, with that girl in it!  Look Martha, take his photo.  Quick, before he gets away!”?  No one knows.  Probably soon, possibly later.  How’s that for helpful information?

October 23, 2005

Origin-al Eitan, New Agent!

Filed under: agents/managers — Biographer @ 10:14 pm

Well hello there!  Fancy meeting you here.  Welcome to another edition of “What does Eitan want to brag about today?” 

Eitan has a new commercial agent!  Readers would believe that Eitan changes his commercial representation as often as he changes his underwear.  This is not true:  Eitan never changes his underwear.  Actually, now Eitan is with an incredible agency known as Origin Talent.  He was referred to Janet Tscha, the new commercial agent, by a manager.  Janet had just taken over the commercial department and was in dire need of a goofy looking guy who is so full of himself he commissions and entire website to his own likeness and has long stories posted in the vain hope that someone cares about him.  

See previous post for the reason Eitan sought new representation.  Actually, read a few more than that.   The biographer loves it when people read his work.  Eitan is definitely enjoying working with his new agent and hopes not to have to update this biography in another five months with stories of yet another office who represents him.

June 26, 2005

Ray Charles loves Eitan, Ankling the Agent and a New Class

Filed under: agents/managers,bookings,classes,TV — Biographer @ 10:13 pm

Live, from the brand new offices in glorious West LA… here’s Eitan! *sarcastic slow clapping*. Yes, after months of silence Eitan has finally contacted his biographer with an update of his life. Exciting? Not especially.

All of’s Japanese readers are in for a treat. Eitan has acted as the narrator for two episodes of the show “Memoirs.” He can be heard on the Willie Nelson and Ray Charles episodes. It’s seriously an hour and a half of Eitan talking, so this is only for the most extreme fans.

“I’m not representing Eitan anymore, I quit!” This may or may not have been the parting words of Barbara Divisek as she left Conan Carroll and Associates (probably not actually). But either way, Eitan is no longer repped by her commercially. Eitan is fielding various offers from other offices (or trying to get offers from other offices) before he makes any decisions.

Eitan thinks he’s funny. So he’s taking the third class at the Groundlings (writing lab). On July 17th some poor fools will have to watch Eitan and his classmates perform a sketch show of their own writing directed by Roy Jenkins. If by some accident Eitan is funny, please laugh. It’s good for his self esteem.

October 19, 2004

Commercial Braggart, Two Plays and Another Eitan Switch

Filed under: agents/managers,bookings,commercial,theater — Biographer @ 10:05 pm

The world has been enraptured by Eitan’s mug somewhere far in the background of the Hertz commercial for months now (yet still considered a principal actor since technically he’s recognizable (like anyone could mistake Eitan for anyone else (one more set of parentheses can’t hurt))). His sister was heard to comment, “A monkey could have done that job.” Still, Eitan refuses to give up his residual checks and excuse to brag to everyone he knows that he’s, “Currently in a national commercial.” This works especially well at bars.

Currently and for a very limited time Eitan is appearing in a showcase of two original one acts (at the posting of this bio entry there are only two shows left, go to for info) at the Odyssey Theater. The first is an insane murder mystery which makes so little sense it’s automatically hilarious. Exactly Eitan’s cup of tea. Eitan plays a member of the audience (a beer loving frat boy, to be exact) who’s called up on stage by the stand up comic introducing the show. The comic flips out and attacks Eitan who cries out like a little girl. The comic is murdered and everyone is a suspect. Somehow a cracker is also witness to this crime. Really, it’s insane. Since it involves the audience thinking the comedian is actually attacking Eitan the director would hate for you to have read that before the show, but the biographer cares not. Actually the biographer assumes no one’s going to read this far into the bio before they’ve seen the show. If the biographer’s wrong, he’s ready to duel with Matt to settle the score.

Then there are a few variety acts in the show. Since you’re here to read about Eitan, here’s what he does: In lieu of intermission Eitan leads the audience in chair aerobics but he does it as a psychotic type gym instructor. There are other variety acts but the biographer doesn’t go in for free advertising. If the other actors want to talk about their variety acts, let them do it on their own websites (or they could write the biographer a hefty check for a mention in this biography).

The second one-act was directed by Lesley Robin (see The Open Road at UCSB above to learn who she is). Lesley had talked to Eitan about possibly being in another one of her shows and he, of course, said he’d do it. In this play Eitan is a rather traditional father of two children and husband to a wife (go figure). With his children going off to college his wife is unhappy in her overly restrictive and boring role of “stay at home mom.” When Eitan’s character starts giving in to his wife’s wishes he sees his world cave in around him. It’s a meaningful discourse on traditional family values. Oh, and Eitan tap dances, that should have been mentioned earlier. Don’t worry, it’s a comedy. Eitan still delivers the funny as he’s totally insane (on and off stage).

On the way out of his house for the opening night of his showcase Eitan learned that Stella Archer had left Conan Carroll and Associates. Barbara Divisek has come in to take over the department. So at this moment Eitan has a new agent. Luckily, Pamela Newlands (who gets a shout out, and a plug for the following reason) gave Eitan a heads up so he wasn’t too shocked. Juiciy details won’t be posted here, but there will no doubt be another posting upon Eitan’s meeting with Barbara. That is all for now.

May 21, 2004

Joining SAG and the first Agent Switcheroo

Filed under: agents/managers — Biographer @ 10:04 pm

Eitan has unified with his fellow actors in the interest of fair working conditions and pay.  Together they will fight for actor’s unalienable rights and bring happiness and fair treatment to the world.  Also Eitan now has a really cool pin.  Yes children, Eitan has joined the Screen Actors Guild.  Eitan’s credit card will never quite recover from the shock.  What does this all actually mean?  Surprisingly little.

In other news Eitan has just signed with Stella Archer of Conan Carroll and Associates for commercial representation.  Hopefully this will lead to more jobs, more snide biography entries and more money for Eitan.  There’s no real story here.  Eitan was referred there by a friend and decided to switch up his agency to try to get more auditions.  He is still represented by Sheryl Abrams of PTI Talent theatrically.  Both of his agents have the initials S.A.  Creepy, huh?

His Hertz commercial should be airing any day now.  Keep an eye out for Eitan’s sexy face on a TV near you.

March 7, 2004

Bad Sketch Comedy, Bad Short Films (to be done soon) and Bad Commercial News

Filed under: bookings,commercial,film,theater — Biographer @ 10:07 pm

After shaving off all his hair and getting several facial tattoos/piercing Eitan had new headshots taken.  Ok, that’s a blatant lie.  It’s not the biographer’s fault Eitan is boring.  After discussing it with his “people” Eitan decided to get new photos.  So off he headed to Arizona to be photographed by Ed Sohn (glossing over SEVERAL details there).  Now the photos are online and will soon be in general circulation around the Los Angeles area (most likely they’ll be seen on the walls of the United States Post Office). 

Eitan’s last show went so well he decided to do another.  When his friend Amy Harber announced she was putting together a sketch comedy show at the Next Stage Theater up in Hollywood Eitan jumped at the opportunity to have his ego stroked further.  Eitan not only performed in several sketches but also got to premier two original works, “Meet the Parents” (original title, but Eitan’s unlikely to get sued) and “The Lord’s Deli.”  Both got a tremendous response from people (including but not limited to Eitan’s mother).  At the writing of this bio there is but one show left.

Speaking of hack writers… Sorry, the biographer meant to write, “Speaking of Eitan writing.”  Ok, take two.  Speaking of Eitan writing, he’s also in the process of putting together a short film called “Through the Front Door.”  It was written by Eitan, will be directed by Eitan and it will be starring Eitan.  Eitan loves Eitan. 

In sadder news (if that’s possible considering who’s site you’re reading) Eitan’s Hertz commercial is no more.  It’s been pulled from the airwaves after millions of complaints about “that cretin on the phone behind the talking guy.”  That’s not true.  But it was pulled.  Poor poor Eitan. 

February 27, 2004

It Hertz to be Eitan

Filed under: bookings,commercial — Biographer @ 10:04 pm

Eitan has learned a valuable lesson in the past few weeks.  Just a week after shooting the Barclays commercial Eitan has another audition, this time for a national Hertz commercial.  The audition:  Eitan is a customer who rented from a crappy car company and instead of providing an on-board navigation system, they provide a Sherpa.  Eitan manages to get called back and does the same thing at the callback.  A few days later Eitan gets a call from his agent telling him he is booked on that commercial.  So naturally Eitan goes around telling everyone to look for him in the car with the Sherpa.  A few days later Eitan shows up at the fitting and he’s being fit for a different commercial.  Now it seems Eitan is a customer waiting in line at another crappy car company that hands out stress balls to it’s customers rather than providing adequate customer service.  So for the next two days Eitan corrects himself, telling everyone he’s going to be a customer in line instead.  Eitan is fit in his “customer outfit” and shows up on set a few days later.  He is blocked in as a customer when someone notices the background guy they have working behind the desk will have to be upgraded if he stays there, so now Eitan is an employee at the crappy car rental place talking on the phone and pretty much ignoring a huge line of people in front of him.  He’ll be towards the back while the main guy is talking about his car company.  So again, Eitan was wrong.  The lesson learned:  Eitan shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people.

February 9, 2004

Eitan’s First Commercial, Barclays Bank

Filed under: bookings,commercial — Biographer @ 10:02 pm

Eitan has sold out.  Apparently little things like “money ,”a “SAG card” and his “career” are more important to Eitan than being an artiste!  Acting is supposed to be a pure endeavor, untainted by the commercialism of the world.  But Eitan seems not to care.  He gladly accepted and filmed a part in a commercial strutting his stuff on the small screen to promote Barclays Bank.  It should start running on business cable channels (MSNBC, CNBC and those other stations that Eitan doesn’t get) beginning around March 10th.  Eitan will be seen playing the part of a Wall Street suit. 

Here’s how it all goes down:  We see some financial people hard at work.  They’re all plugging away at whatever it is they do when closing credits start coming down the screen.  Yes, like at the end of a movie.  They all take note of this weird occurrence.  We then see other areas around the the New York financial community where people stop to watch these credits rolling.  Finally over the city we see the words “THE END.”  We see two business men on the street looking at these words as they disappear.  One of these men (using the term quite loosely, obviously) is Eitan.  Then either Eitan or Tracy (the other guy on the street) give some reaction to the incident.  No one has any idea which reaction they’ll use as they filmed about 20 different ones, everyone will just have to wait and see. 

The biographer has been asked to note that he also has “sold out” to write Eitan’s biography.  In light of this development, the biographer would like to offer kudos and his congratulations to Eitan on his part in this commercial.  Go Eitan!

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